The Scenic Falls

One of the pleasures of being a person of means is travel. When I had just left the university I took the liberty to travel with a few friends through Europe and Africa. Much of our time was spent in fun and doing what we laughingly called “breaking commandments” but there were, of course, times that we would want to see the local sights. To do this we would, on occasion, schedule a tour.

So it was we decide to take a tour of a place called Scenic Falls. It was a guided path that walked along a series of cliffs and waterfalls. Like many of these tours there was a briefing preparing us for what we were to see and give the necessary safety briefing. Safety was a concern because there were parts along this tour where the cliffs were present without guardrails and a fall would most certainly be fatal. The main safety precaution was to stay with the group and don't get separated.

The group that gathered for the tour had reached the tour limit size of 25 people. Aside from my friends there were people with whom we had gained some acquaintance and many others about whom we knew nothing. It was typical that people in these tours came with partners or in families but single individuals taking the tour was not unheard of.

Time was put aside for a majority of the afternoon to see the cliffs and waterfalls and, as expected, the tour guide would describe what we were seeing then after some time would usher us on to the next location.

During the tour I had managed to find my way to the front of the group with my travel companions. We were in good spirits laughing and commenting on the natural wonders. The group was mulling about watching a particularly beautiful waterfall when the tour guide told us to move onward.

For some reason I felt compelled to look back and see the faces of the other people in the group. As I scanned the crowd, most of them barely acknowledged me with eye contact and then I saw it happen.

At the very back of the group I saw a man fall over the protective railing and disappear over a treacherous cliff. There wasn't a sound. No one but I saw it happen.

It all happened in an instant and for no apparent cause or reason. It was an instant in which time slowed to a glacial crawl.

In that instant my mind briefly considered the option of panic. Panic would have been understandable for most people. But my mind also told me that I was not like most people. I could chose how to respond to this mans death, or whether to respond at all.

I considered how the man would be dead no matter how I responded and nothing in my ability could change that. I considered the fun that we were having and how my calling attention to a strangers death would put an immediate and lasting halt to everything we were having.

A race of arguments filled my mind “Is doing what is 'right' the same as doing what is best?”

Lastly, I considered my own state of mind. Did I want to plunge myself into a state of distress that put me on the level of the rest of humanity?

That timeless moment must have lasted tow or three seconds. At the end of that slow moment of inner reflection a calmness overtook me and I turned and followed the tour guide with my friends. The mood remained lighthearted as the tour ended and long into the evening where we celebrated and drinking with some people we had met that day.

When we awoke the next day there was a more somber mood that filled the hotel at which we were staying. The word finally came to us that someone had not returned from the tour and was found dead at the bottom of a cliff. We all responded with the obligatory “That's terrible. Who was he?” but little was known of him as there was no one accompanying him.

In the many years that have passed I've had reflections and dreams of that moment. In the dreams I see the man standing just as he was but an entity reaches up pulls him over. In dreams the image will vary, sometimes all I see are wispy hands. In other dreams it is a full figure floating up behind him to carry him downward. Whether that is what happened or not is of no concern for I have seen such things outside of my dreams.

The instant I saw the man fall halted time for me and I've held that moment of silence as a secret gift that has taught me much. It has taught me that there is no such thing as karma. While others would feel guilt for saying nothing I said nothing as a test to all the false gods of karma. My choice to not do the “right” thing and remain silent yielded the best result.

Quantum Leap

There are events that occur in ones life that shift life in new directions. In college I learned of the "quantum leap" that occurs when energy is given to particle until it magically "leaps" to a new state that is unpredictable by it's gradual gain of energy.

So it is that people can make quantum leaps if the right energy is applied at the right time. One such leap occurred to me when I was no more than ten years old. Prior to the event I will describe I can say that I was a very sensitive child, prone to moodiness and eager for the approval of others. If challenged I would find myself quickly on the defensive. Much of my little free time I had alone I would spend exploring the forest paths that surrounded my families estate. The paths were a labyrinth that took me many attempts to memorize. Often I would be lost for hours before finding my way back.

My family was accustomed to hiring nannies to care for me throughout most of the day. These nannies were generally kind and showed concern for my health and education, teaching me the languages they spoke. One such nanny was Nana B.

Nana B came into the employ of my parents like all the others. While I have no doubt she was associated in some way with the Order I now suspect she was trained as a servant.

Initially my experience with her was kind but within the first few weeks I saw a cruel side to her that would show itself only in my presence and only when we were alone. In one moment she would be jovial and kind, in another she would be mean and abusive. Her abuse was purely psychological and consisted of berating everything I did. Often she would belittle how I would clean up after myself and compare my actions to her ideal behavior. Other times, if she was feeling ill she would accuse me to making it happen. My first responses were to be hurt and defensive. I would often yell back at her telling her I had done what she had asked but it was of no use. Any defense I would offer would be unacknowledged and followed with further
abuse.

The "quantum leap" for me came after several months when I realized she would often reach into her pocket and take a pill. "You're giving me anxiety" she would say as she popped it in her mouth. On several occasions she had left her pills out of reach and grew even more anxious when she realized they were not readily at hand. On some days I had seen her take four pills in the course of an hour.

It soon began to dawn on me that many of my assumptions about Nana B were wrong. She was not mean to me because I was doing something wrong. She was mean because blaming others for her misery and taking pills was easier than taking any responsibility for how she felt. She had become one of the pathetic seeds of humanity whose only solace came from blaming others for their pain.

I then extended that "quantum leap" to myself and decided I would no longer act hurt by her abuse. When she would begin her tirade I would calmly look at her and calmly reply "I see." "I understand." while nodding my head as if listening. This worked well for the both of us. For her, she eventually had no more to say and her abuse would fizzle. For me, it proved me superior to her as I was the one in control. The calmness I felt also gave me time to think of better responses and to plan when my time was free.

This quantum leap proved of great value later that year. It was late fall and Nana B seemed to be in a her rare lighthearted mood. This seemed like the ideal time to attempt my plan. I laughingly took her by the hand and asked her to walk to the woods with me. She had never done this before so it seemed like a nice departure from any of our usual activities. Leading her into the forest I kept on the path just far enough ahead of her to be just out of reach. I remained playful and cheery, chatting her up as I pointed at trees as we walked further and further into the woods. On a few occasions she would ask to stop but I would plead to go further wanting her to see a special rock or secret hiding place I'd discovered. It did not take long before I knew that she would have to rely on me to lead her back. At that time I took her by the hand and lead her even deeper into the forest. While she was distracted by the direction I was offering I reached into her pocket and grabbed the pills I saw her place there earlier. I then sped off far ahead of her making certain to keep just within her site.

Then the madness overtook her. "You're giving me anxiety" she screamed as she reached into her pocket. Coming up empty she reached into her other pocket and then spin around patting all her pockets. It was then I stood up bottle in hand and arm outstretched.

Remembering the times she had taunted me I shook the bottle at her and I saw her face redden. Never had I seen her move so quickly but I made certain to always maintain my lead. My agility proved of value when I climbed a rock that kept me just out of her reach. I would shake the pill bottle at her as she gazed up at me trying in vain to reach upward. The sweat began to bead on her forehead and I realized that there was no going back for me. I walked sideways taunting her and in little time her sideways steps on rough ground made her stumble. She regained her footing only for me to see her left arm stiffen up her hand forming a claw. Her face grimaced and turned pale. Clutching her arm she lost her footing again and fell this time rolling again and again over rocks and leaves. Finally her body came to a limp halt.

For several minutes I waited making certain she did not move. Finally I moved closer until I could see her face. It was still colorless. One eye was closed shut while the other remained open. Just above her brow was a gash. I became fascinated by how the flesh separated to expose the boney skull. Around the wound seeped only small amounts of blood and for several minutes I became transfixed by the contrast of flesh, bone and blood.

By now the sun was beginning to set and I calmly walked back through the paths I had memorized to my families house. Before I left I neatly tucked the bottle of pills back into Nana B's pocket, exactly where I had taken them.

The "quantum leap" I learned at that young age has never failed me. While others may seek to oppress and control me it is time and opportunity that will always be on my side. It is through calm and patient guile that I will always be victorious.

Becoming a programmer

One such wish was to climb the hierarchy and to serve the Order from a position of authority. From that wish I have risen to lead programmer within my section but it did not happen all at once. I trained in the medical field and after I had returned from university I was put under the guidance of one of the senior programmers of the Order. My relationship with him was complicated at best.

He had been one of my mentors and handlers throughout my life and he knew me and all my darkest secrets. He had helped to create walls and barriers within me to protect all my secrets within the Order. As our working relationship progressed he would seem to alternate between a nurturing mentor and a cruel competitor. In the beginning he welcomed me with great fondness. We both had medical training and together we contributed to the effectiveness of our job. After a few months another part of him began to emerge. During these times he became the most cruel to me and to the people we were programming. He began to see me not just as a competitor but a possible enemy to the Order.

Within the Order he was respected and feared. As a programmer there was none better. Like many within the Order he sought power also through magic and his reputation as a magician was one that was not to be tested.

Before he agreed to mentor me he asked if I would witness a ritual he was about to perform. The conditions of my participation were that I could not speak or respond during the ritual, only watch. I agreed.

Before beginning the rite he handed me a black sphere. It was polished rock in the shape of a globe, perfectly smooth. “Hold it and note it qualities.” He said. “You will have this when it we are done tonight.” He then took it back and guided me to his personal ritual room within the deeper recesses of his basement.

Handing me a black robe to wear, he put on a tighter black garment that appeared to be a modification of doctors scrubs. The mood became solemn and quiet as soon as we were dressed and he opened a door that lead to a cinder block chamber. In the room was a table and chair I had seen before used by programmers but on the floor was a traced a ritual circle common to many sacred rites. Overhead a row of florescent lights hummed. This was unlike any ritual chamber I had witnessed. What followed created a sense of awe and nausea within me.

He pointed silently where to stand. It was a smaller circle on the floor. With a grin he place his index finger to his lips and gestured me to stay quiet. He then opened a thick metal door on the other end of the room and out flooded a cacophony of whimpers, moans and torturous wales. A moist thick stench rolled out of the darkness as he pulled a small metallic box. From small holes around the box protruded small and dirty fingers. There the box sat as he patently grabbed a leather strap and affixed the black sphere to it. The strap was, in fact, a harness custom made to hold the sphere. With it he unlatched the box and reached in with the be-orbbed harness. A small struggle followed from within the box but ended with a small child being lifted out. The harness was attached to the childs head with the orb affixed inches from the its face. The harness holding the orb obfuscated the childs face but not it's cries.

My attention became focused as my mentor chained the child to the table and began beating it. He shouted at the child “Get into the sphere!” The child cried over and over. Time seemed to stop as my mentors behavior would oscillate during the ritual. On one end brutal beatings with commands. He would then switch to a soft kindly tone and give the child instruction in how to put all his consciousness into the black sphere. “Do that and the pain will end. This hurting will stop.” he would plea to the child. Then suddenly he would raise up to beat and club at the limbs of the child. The clubbing of the limb was occasionally punctuated by the sound of a bone braking and sweat would seep through my mentors garb. During one of these crescendos of rage it all finally ending with a clubbing to the back of the child's head that sounded like a watermelon breaking to the floor. The crys stopped. I could feel the blood rush from my head and as I choked back my vomit I also noticed my own rock hard erection.

My mentor undid the harness that held the sphere from the childs lifeless body. He effortlessly pushed the corpse to the floor as if it were nothing more than table crumbs.

The harness then made it's way again to the metal box and out again emerged another child wearing the orb inches from it's face. This child had quieted and turned catatonic from the murder it just witnessed through the small breathing holes. Led to the table my mentor gave the same instructions but this child was endlessly complaint. “Get into the sphere” was the instruction and almost instantly the child's body turned rigid and then went limp. In that moment I do believe I witnessed the child's whole being entering the sphere. The body of the child was indeed lifeless. As it's bowels and bladder released not a breath or a quiver followed. The harness was removed and the black sphere released from the harnesses restraint. Wiping the black sphere for sweat, blood and mucus, my mentor handed it to me. “For you. So that no one will challenge you.” he said.

Even amid the Order with it's endless degrees of internal politics, when I have wanted something, I have never felt challenged. Perhaps that is why I can so write this testimony so freely. The ritual changed me and even still when my emotions get caught up in the politics of the moment I can now pause and remain calm. My early life was filled with a youthful temperament that angered easily and felt threats where none were present. I realize now that no one can challenge me unless I allow it. There is a greater perspective to life than any instant of anger and fear.

When I think of and hold the black sphere it reminds me in words and screams that no one can challenge me. In time I will concur them. This has proven true in every case.

I am not without wonder how in one moment an object can be nothing more than a paperweight and in the next in can be an instrument of power.

As I then held black stone sphere, and every time since, it no longer was an inanimate stone but living, breathing flesh.

That ritual began my real mentorship and the stone sphere became a sigil of power and protection from that moment on.

My Initiation Ritual

When I was 17 years old I was asked by my family to tell them what I most would like to have or experience. The question was asked within the context of an upcoming event that would some rite of passage for me. Events like these happen at various times throughout the year and at certain points in a persons life. This particular event was focused around me, our family deity, and an initiation to a new level within the Order. All I was told was that this event was very special for me and it was very important.

It all began as a part of an extravagant evening event. There were many people there dressed in formal attire. All I either recognized as members of the Order or had heard of them during family conversations. It started with a meal in which my father toasted me. After the meal throughout the evening many of them came up to me to congratulate me on my progress and wish me well in my future endeavors. They all seemed quite sincere and excited without giving more details. As the event lingered into the evening I was introduced to the daughter of one of our guests by her parents. I knew her to be no more than thirteen and she seemed to take quite a liking to me. My time with her alternated between mundane conversation, child like games and sexual flirtation. In due course she took me by the hand into a small darkened room and without delay began a series of sexual acts that were far beyond her age. At the conclusion she walked naked to a light switch and turned it on. In the blinding light stood both of our fathers smiling. She coyly leaned her naked back against her fathers body. “You did very well, Princess.” he said as he fondled her. She quickly grabbed her clothes and before the three of them left my father said. “Tonight is your evening, son. All yours.”

I found my way back into the festivities and all seemed as though nothing had happened.

As I have found with many of these events they progress far into the evening beyond the endurance of most people. It is at that time when all retire to a ritual room and in a solemn silence they don dark cowled robes.

They formed a circle. My family and the others present began to evoke Sebek Ra. The room was large and dark, as I was led there I had not visited it before. During the ritual I was guided to a door while the others formed a gauntlet around me. They repeated the list of desires that I had told my family and asked if I was sincere in my desire. I told them yes. At that moment the door in front of me opened and there laid a living crocodile. It was my family totem and symbol of Sebek Ra. It lunged foreword showing it's huge mass and I jumped but was stopped by the people behind me. Then I saw that it was restrained by chains and again they asked if I truly wanted my desires fulfilled. Again, I said yes. “You know what you must do” they told me. It was then that they handed me a baby boy, naked no more than a month old. I was told to have all my desires I must feed him to the god in front of me. They told me I was bound by my family, by my families god, the spirits that serve them, and by my vows to the Order that I must obey.

Even now, after many years and after the great force of will to record my life events, I cannot say what transpired. There still remain parts within me that I dare not wish to expose. What I can say is that I remember each wish I had asked for and they have all came to me in time.